Continued Bonds

One more sleep over before I leave for Uganda. My daughter and I had a wonderful Sunday- Funday today and reflected over AJ. He remains such a big part of our lives.

I never liked what we were taught about bereavement counselling back when I was in residency. The four stages of grief seemed to focus on the end goal to be emotional detachment or disengagement and moving on and ending ties with the deceased.

Never made sense to me. The newer thinking is to continue these bonds on a nonphysical level.

This mental and spiritual connection between the bereaved and the deceased helps with healing in a positive manner. The connection can be both interactive as well as a representation of memory/ reminiscing/ reflection.  Examples are pursuing life goals or legacies in the deceased’s honor. This theory resonates with me. If you want to read about it, google “Continued Bonds” Currier et al.

One of my most poignant memories of AJ is the day he met our pastoral care Marcia at the hospital. He had never seen her before and was probably at his most vulnerable on a physical level. His CT scan had shown 3 bleeds in his head and the blood clots in his legs and lungs kept getting progressively larger. Due to the intracranial hemorrhage, he kept on having episodes of aphasia (inability to speak). Marcia wanted to see him and knew that he was unwell and was having difficulty with his speech. This meeting took place the day before he passed. When she walked in, Ayaaz’s eyes lit up and he held out his hands and hugged and kissed her. He explained to her that he felt “free” and was “elated”. What an interesting choice of words. Elation. I love God’s creation- the sunrises and sunsets and the beautiful mountains and oceans and the rainbows and storms. But I have never been “elated” before. It was at that moment that I knew, without any doubt whatsoever, that the hereafter is beyond anything we can imagine. As physicians, we focus on mending the body. And when we cannot mend it, we do everything we possibly can to ease the physical and mental suffering. But we have not been given the tools to help beyond the physical and mental. I am in awe of my pastoral care colleagues who can reach so much deeper. I want to take a moment to thank all of them for what they do.

So many times I have seen dying patients talk about their deceased loved ones and find peace in their reflections. AJ and my mother were very close in life and in those last weeks, AJ told me on 3 different occasions that my mother had come to see him. He would be beyond happy as he mentioned these meetings. If the dying can find comfort when connecting with their deceased loved one, why can’t the living do the same. Why do we need to analyze it any further? Whether it can be explained rationally or not is irrelevant.

The night after AJ passed away, my youngest ran into my bedroom in the morning and gleefully told me “Daddy’s OK”. She showed me some absolutely spectacular pictures taken during the night of the Northern lights in our neighborhood  by some of her friends. She felt that they represented his “freedom” and that he was “dancing in the sky”.  And I will always hold on to that very comforting thought.